Maxim - Illustration.

MAXIM - If you think your answers are flawless, why does she cry in the corner every time, running an ashtray at your head? A girl who has lived for many years among her own kind shares her invaluable experience.

Text: Natalya Radulova

The day will come, and she will ask you. The most innocent, at first glance, question - which, upon closer examination, will be more dangerous than cholera. Unless, of course, you can not find the right answer to it.

Not only women ask strange and inappropriate questions. Tax inspectors, investigators, and embassies of foreign powers, in which you are trying to get a visa, often commit the same sweet weakness. So no need to slander women's obsession - we, at least, very rarely shout at you “Ausvays!”, Demanding that you list the maiden names of all your great-grandmothers in alphabetical order. When we ask you our eternal questions, we often crave not for information - but for the right reaction. And usually do not wait for her. Perhaps this is what we need ... but, generally speaking, both sides would be happier from a compromise. You would stop being angry, she would be offended, and valuable porcelain plates would remain safe and sound. And there are only a few questions for these unfortunates - that you should learn the right answers to them once and for all? Well, please, aah! Well, what should you do?! .. And on earth, happiness will immediately come, and all of us, holding hands, dance the harmony and common delight on the green meadow.

"Do you love me?"

As usual you answer:
a) yes.
b) What do you think I'm doing now?
c) Well, you know why ask!
d) Who? I?

All of the above answers are not answers to this question. In fact, she suspects that you treat her well, but she passionately wants to listen to all beautiful and promising words. A lady needs a sip of attention, and you offer her a few drops. Therefore, she will repeat again: “Do you love me?” Further dialogue is not difficult to predict:

YOU: I said yes!
SHE: That's not what I asked. I asked: do you love me?
YOU: Yes-ahhh! Love Almost like myself. You are happy?
SHE: I just asked if you love me, and you immediately start yelling!

The next half hour you spend in silence. Her conviction blazes with neon letters. You nervously click the TV remote. She slams the bedroom door. You sleep on the couch in the living room. After a week of hassle and showdown you finally reconcile. And live quietly until the next "Do you love me?"

How to answer this question: There is such a term in linguistics. "Expanded sentence" is called. That answer must be just with the help of these proposals. Avoid humor, do not give up before utterly slobbering and make heartfelt pauses in those places where you start to get off the point. The general idea of ​​the statement should be reduced to the fact that without it your life would be deprived of purpose, joy, and any meaning. (If you are very ashamed, you can cross your fingers behind your back.)

Why do we need to answer this way: Only twenty-two words instead of one pathetic guerrilla "Yeah" - and you can assume that our diplomats have made significant progress in the peaceful resolution of the military conflict.

"What I look like?"

As usual you answer:
Oh good.
b) Great.
c) Normal.
d) You do not say anything, you depict everything with mimic muscles.

How to answer: We are trying to collect a generous tribute from you, and you want to get off with a dry statement of fact. Will not work. Be sure to emphasize the most successful details of her appearance, point out the overall completeness of the picture and finish the event with a kiss. By the way, if you notice any defect (puff on the stocking, the button has come off, the skirt is tucked into the pantyhose from behind), report it only in cases where this defect can be immediately eliminated. Otherwise, be blind and dumb.

Why do I have to answer this way: A woman is very dependent on male opinion. With one or two words, you can either raise it on a pedestal of radiant narcissism, or throw it into the abyss of self-deprecation. And to be in the company of the ladies in this abyss is very unpleasant. At our times, the character is extremely spoiled.

Be sure to emphasize the most successful details of her appearance.

"What are you thinking about?"

As usual you answer:
a) eh
b) What?
c) About anything.

She, like you, knows perfectly well that a person is not capable of thinking “about anything” (exceptions are victims of a catatonic stupor, yoga, some members of the ruling party). The thought process always goes on - even in flashes, even in queuing queues ... So the answer “about nothing” is automatically translated as “untie”. What is bitter and insulting.

How to answer: It’s better to answer the truth: “About zigzags on the floor, about duties on foreign cars and how I poisoned kefir in the third grade”.

Why do you need to answer this way: She decides that you are sincere and direct and will no longer painfully suspect you that right next to her you dream of some stranger.

“Why are you always like this?”

How do you usually answer:
a) No, not always.
b) No, not always.
c) No, not always.

A woman speaks words with poetic liberty. For the sake of heightening effect, she is even ready to exaggerate something. For example, if you break a glass, she will kindly ask: “Why are you always so awkward?” Of course, you will immediately make an assault face and begin to insist on the accuracy of the wording. Open the cupboard doors and show off the other surviving glasses that you used more than once. Maybe even drag in Ozhegov's dictionary, in which it is written in black and white that “always” is “at any time, constantly”. But she will remain deaf to your arguments. Moreover: the more violently you insist on your own, the more its irritation will grow. As Dovlatov wrote: “You appeal to logic and common sense. And suddenly you discover that the very sound of your voice is disgusting for her. ”

How to answer: "Carefully my dear, do not hurt yourself about the fragments."

Why do you need to answer this way: By refusing protection, attack, counterattack and brilliant parry, you will save your and her nerve cells, a bottle of valerian and gasoline, which you would need to bring it back from your mother. And at the same time prove that you belong to a tribe of strong, laconic men who do not quarrel with women because of any nonsense.

"Which dress should I wear: blue or red?"

How do you usually answer:
a) Blue.
b) Red.
c) Oh, my God!

How to answer: This is the case when you have to answer the question to the question: “And what would you choose?” After her unsure: “to-red”, you must continue the offensive: “Why?”. After listening to the explanation: “I haven’t worn it for a long time ... it shades my fair skin well ... I want to make up my lips with dark lipstick ... this color generally suits me more," loudly exclaim, "A wonderful choice!"

Why it is necessary to answer this way: For women, the process of dressing is real creativity. With agony, a sense of lack of fulfillment and incomprehension ... everything is as it should be. By causing it to clearly articulate your ideas, you will achieve their speedy implementation, and you may not even be late for the cinema.

"How was your day?"

How do you usually answer:
a) normal
b) So so.

Being such, to put it mildly, a laconic interlocutor, you risk imperceptibly turning into one of those villains that women usually complain about in the sections of “Cry of the Soul”. Well, you know - "my boyfriend constantly neglects to communicate with me, and because of this, I do not want to have sex with him."

How to answer: “In the works of the righteous, but boring. What new things did you have? ”However, you should be prepared for what you will have to listen to after a long, heart-rending story about what is happening in their office, under the office, above the office, and what a strange trolleybus painted in pink , drove today at three fifteen past the cafe in which she dined.

Why do you need to answer this way: Because you will pay attention to her, express your submissive readiness to make contact and at the same time get rid of the need to take on yourself the difficult role of the author of the story. Saying that the “woman loves with the ears” classics somewhat unilaterally highlighted the situation. Language we love even harder. Especially after dinner for a cup of tea with buns.

"You are listening to me?"

How do you usually answer:
a) Yeah.
b) Yeah. in what?

How to answer: "I just thought for a second - why was he in a pink checkered pattern?"

Why do you have to answer this way: Even if you utter this phrase after her remarks: “Dear, stop nodding, I haven't spoken for ten minutes,” you still have a chance not only to get out, but also to score points. A woman will make sure that you do not ignore her. On the contrary, her words have sunk deep into your heart, and you reflect on them. She looks at you with new interest and thinks: “It’s worth how wonderful, sensitive and thoughtful I am. Not like the rest. ”

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